Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
