Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”