Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
