Not my job 😂
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*