Not my job 😂
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate