Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1572949496304226304/pu/vid/596x720/HBDrjdEWOkpoewCv.mp4?tag=12

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself