Not my job 😂
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I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.