Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
WTF IS THAT!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Need this in my life lol
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Feel. He’s so soft.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.