Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Sign of the day..

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?