Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party