Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10