Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

damn he’s good

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair