Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive