Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.