not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
No way!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids