not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
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Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”