not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
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the battle rages on
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk