Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.