not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I put the mess in domestic.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me