Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

When the stylist spins you back around

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*