not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
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When you kidnap a writer.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS