Not now. I’m deglazing.
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
This is painfully accurate 😅
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you