Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
This is a genius move
Happy Taco Tuesday
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.