Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.