Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I feel it
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.