Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishonest mechanic?

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Hard not to take this personally

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

*limbos away from your hug*

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite