Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sistine chapel

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Hmmmmm

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?