Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
October 31
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
WHY would you be happy about this?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.