NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Mornin
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.