NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Breaking news:
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.