Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.