Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Bobby pin
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.