Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.