Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”