Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Bringing back this classic

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.