If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity