Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
never forget
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Just got to our Airbnb!