Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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birds and squirrels envy us
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Personal question. #JustSaying
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
you’re so productive for your wage
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
my proudest tweet
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise