Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
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therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal