Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“FRAAANCE!”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.