Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

neighborhood watch

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine