Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
North and South
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”