@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

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@E_lok44

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

@UniqueDude2

ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
M: huh
BF: see ya

@FloodyHippie

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@VikingJonesy

The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower

@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.