How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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ME: WOW! Bigfoot!
BIGFOOT: Hey Smallfoot
M: U call us Smallfoot?
BF: U have small feet
M: no, urs r big
BF: mine r normal
BF: see ya
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.