Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room