Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries