Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.