Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?