Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

2024 has been a rough few years

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

when a toddler tells a story

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.