Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

I’m literally crying

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.