Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.