Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉