Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room