Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive