Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.