Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Peter Parker Peter Driver

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

I think I’m having a stroke

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.