Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You Might Also Like
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Catercrombie & Fish
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’