Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
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Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*
*Fails to see holes in plan*
You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”