Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

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Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat


Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.


*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*


You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.


Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore


Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.


You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.


So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.


I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now


My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”