@JillBidenVeep

Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

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@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@thetigersez

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

@Underchilde

*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese*

*Fails to see holes in plan*

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@Schmoodles

Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.

@einsteinsexual

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

@dumbbeezie

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

@Cheeseboy22

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”