not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
ugh not again
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.