Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

#titanic

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*