Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order