Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.