Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”