Not really a humane solution in my opinion

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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?


I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.


Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”


Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”


HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed


I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out


When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.


if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”


Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.


I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.