@BrandonMH1

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

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@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@Tmoney68

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

@KeyLimeShy

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

@Jake_Vig

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

@HansGrubertron

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@TheTweetOfGod

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

@BobGolen

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

@HomeWithPeanut

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.