Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!