Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

Happy Star Wars day!

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.