Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My birth announcement for our third baby
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.