Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Oh deer
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE