Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
🤣🤣💀
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Huge if true.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.