Not recommended for beginners.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.