Not recommended for beginners.
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[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Harsh but fair
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first