Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.