Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

this is the kind of friend i am

old twitter is back baby

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

New Tinder profile.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.