Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

never stops being funny

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.