Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
😭😭
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.