Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?