Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

😆this is so true

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

When you let grandma cat sit

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.